Life and the death of memories..

There is a time in life when we wish to become a distant star in the sky that can just watch people laugh, have fun,live their life...and we could just find the divine content in their happiness.Without even letting our existence known to them.Today i understand how it is the worst experience one can ever imagine.People close to me say it was none of my mistake.Even i try to convince myself it wasn't.That means i am supposed to be angry, or rather furious to those who made my life hell.But i want to confess something.Yes, i was mad like a mad dog at the way things went.I cursed the fate.And the people reminding me about it.But in the end, all i am is upset.Because in all this i lost something.My memories.And that is the most precious belonging of human being.I am watching my memories burn in to hell fire.And i am standing so close to the fire that it hurts me strikingly.

The saddest truth of life is that we get to decide what memories to build upon, but we don't have a say in which of them will stay clean and worth remembering.I know i don't have a clean slate.Confession doesn't wash away the guilt, not of that i ruined lives but that i wasn't strong enough to protect the memories that i never wanted to fade.I know i will move on.I always do.But sadly i will never be able to besmear this blind spot in my brain..
And the worst part is i don't want the things to go back to normal.I m not going to commit the same mistake again.'cause mistake aren't committed twice.The second time its a choice.I want to crash and burn.I want to let go.I want to be out of this world where truth and trust are mere words.Where people forget every good memories they share on the introduction of one bitter one.Where the trust falls in a single blow and all good things you did become your so called master plan to ruin others life.I am not innocent.But there is nothing in this world that i hate more than wrong accusation.It kills you.I wanna die and get reborn again.I wanna be free.I want to sleep and forget.I want to dream again.I know my whining will not get me any where but i wanna break down these wall closing in on me.

I do believe that everything happens for the best.i just wish i could see the best in this.A day from now i will be 21.Its really been so long.I saw love, pain, passion, trust, betrayal, adventure, life, death and much more.God knows what else the future has in store for me.Just returned to where i began."What goes round comes around".."The circle of life"..the epic ironies.I may have laughed at them, if i remembered how..

Back to you

When entertainment turns into a surreal reflection of your life,you would be a lucky man to laugh at it..
The things which were once fit for our laughter, become the ironical part of our life.You can't runaway from it..'cause you are the one who dug up this pit to eventually fall into it.There are somethings in this world that we cannot understand.Things we never wanted to choose..how we feel.But it was never for us to decide.
Sometimes, the world becomes too small for comfort.The wait for a 'happy ending' lingers all the way.It feels like there are no choices in this world.Nothing but a straight line.Illusion comes afterwards when we look back upon ourselves, and ask 'why me' or 'what if'..Its like looking back on a forked lightening tracing back our own steps to nothingness.Different choices would not have made much of a difference.We would standing at the same place, just asking a different set of questions..
I read somewhere, that if you wanna serve in heaven, then just do good to its very extreme..and if you wanna reign in hell then just fall to the deepest and the darkest pits of sin.The two doors are less than a hand's reach to man for all there life.But still we spend most of our life standing at the crossroads of stairway to heaven and highway to hell immersed in the hangover of our own feelings.
People say 'love and be loved'..is that it? the truth..Live for it, kill for it, even die for it..Is this our salvation?
And what if its just a dream from which you will wake up someday and you will find no rescue waiting for you.What if you come back to reality and don't find your love there.What if your loneliness suddenly turns into a nothingness.And you keep on wondering what  the hell did just happen?
They'll say that life has its complications.Its never easy.But are we really ready and willing to take that risk?Yes...we always are.There something in this that makes us stay.Some memories.Not necessarily all good.But all worth having.We willingly step into it but then it becomes out of the power of our free will.Its always a dilemma when being in it.Will I able to trace my steps back to you? Has it strength enough to guide me back home?..Logically everything should fall into its place if we give it sometime..Logic is such a liar..But the hope to our happiness will keep us going on...and you will make me stay!!