Up close and personal

Have you ever come through a feeling when you could feel the elation in the world around you, you can smell the fragrance of the wind blowing your way..have you ever felt it..the so called inner peace! Well thats a big no for me.Why cant everything just fall into its place for just this once.Why when everything 's going alright, all i could think is to crash and burn.
Sometimes i get the feeling maybe it is because of some guilt ,some unfinished business.But i still cant think of what it is n where it is.This feeling of insecurity for no reason is a killer.The feeling when somebody just looks at you with an awkward looking face, you wish you could put a bullet hole in his head.Or else you could bludgeon  him to death.And while everyone will stand there n watch,scared.You will laugh with scorn.No feeling of remorse..or any other humanly feeling..Anger ,pain, betrayal, hatred..these are the only real emotions to be felt.
How i have come to this..what have i become..why cant i return to be the carefree guy i once used to be.Where is that damned inner peace.Why do i feel just lyk killing half the world.Some say 'violence is never the answer'..then what is it..I have tried love..and i don't believe it worked.I ceased to believe in it.I don't remember when i last came across a feeling that din't involve hurting others.I have become selfish.I really don't care for anyone.
I feel like i have lost my integrity..the very last inch of it.I just need to feel something..anything..that is real enough to pull me through all this.I don't have the slightest idea what it is but i believe i really need it.I don't see this happening anytime soon.But i just can't give up hope of it..'cause hope is all i really have now..It was always all i really had..

Invisible truth

If someone asks us to define 'darkness'. .we sure have heard of it.Most of us will simply say darkness is the 'absence of light'.We can't measure it or define it independently but we all know it exists.Same goes for 'cold' that is absence of heat.The point is that there are many things in life that exist because we believe they exist.It can be said that a person who is delusional enough to live in his own world of dreams and believes it to be true is as sane as any other practical person in this world.

There are many allegations in our lives,the invisible truths, that exist 'cause we believe in them.Truth that can't be explained.Why we are refreshed by the fragrance of a flower.Why do we love to live in beautiful colors.Why a laughing baby puts a smile on our face too.Why sometimes some other persons's happiness gives us the tears of joy.Why the rain sometimes urges us to dance and sometimes the same rains makes us sad.Why the rage running all over our body is calmed down by the mere glimpse of gentle eyes.Why we get a strange feeling when we are with someone and the feeling fades when that someone is gone.Why we believe in god and his plans for us.Why we hope for a miracle even when all odds are against it.These beautiful truths have been and always will be a part of our lives.Well actually these truths are the times we really lived!

Some times these truths fade.We become,what we call, more mechanical.Anything may cause that..loss,betrayal,loneliness,heartbreak..these emotions are large enough to force a person to stop believing and step into the dark.But as we know the darkness doesn't exist! We heard a lot that time can heal all wounds.Maybe it does.But it doesn't wash away the scars.Sometimes we need more than just the truth.Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith.And the funny thing about faith is that you cannot explain it.You just have it! So throw the odds out the window..What you believe is true!!

Last regrets

Imagine sitting under a tree, surrounded by endless grasslands.You would stare at nothingness for hours.'cause nobody is there with you.You will be waiting for someone to appear..anyone..But you will give up the wait at some point of time.And there will always remain a regret, maybe you needed to wait for some more time..maybe you would have seen someone appearing at the horizon..a familiar face..a face you were longing for.That someone may wave at you..or maybe call your name..or run towards you...or that someone may just vanish in the winds.

Maybe you didn't get enough time.The time you deserved.To be with someone, to feel alive, to take chances, to make mistakes.You can regret forever for that or you can choose to be thankful for whatever time you got.Maybe you didn't get what you hoped for and you start to live your life in denial.You get hypochondriac..darkness-loving..creepy kind of person.You start spending most of your time in introspection and become a people-hater.

You gotta keep walking though..'cause you belong to the human "race" and you really can't afford losing it.All the time we keep longing for a connection..a moment when time slows down a bit and you begin to feel alive again.You wait for a person who tends to understand you more than you do yourself.You wait for being connected.

There might be a lot of things you wish you never did.Its ok.Its perfectly normal to make mistakes.But you need to understand that you and only you make it all right before its too late.You can change things.Make different choices..redeem yourself.'cause if its too late then you wont be able to let go of this regret all your life.Who knows maybe today is the last day ( I sure hope its not) to say "I am sorry" to someone..the last day to say "i forgive you"..the last day to say "I miss you"..the last day to say "I love you"...maybe after today one of you or the connection between you may cease to exist..and you may forever be left with the last regrets and late goodbyes...

Life and the death of memories..

There is a time in life when we wish to become a distant star in the sky that can just watch people laugh, have fun,live their life...and we could just find the divine content in their happiness.Without even letting our existence known to them.Today i understand how it is the worst experience one can ever imagine.People close to me say it was none of my mistake.Even i try to convince myself it wasn't.That means i am supposed to be angry, or rather furious to those who made my life hell.But i want to confess something.Yes, i was mad like a mad dog at the way things went.I cursed the fate.And the people reminding me about it.But in the end, all i am is upset.Because in all this i lost something.My memories.And that is the most precious belonging of human being.I am watching my memories burn in to hell fire.And i am standing so close to the fire that it hurts me strikingly.

The saddest truth of life is that we get to decide what memories to build upon, but we don't have a say in which of them will stay clean and worth remembering.I know i don't have a clean slate.Confession doesn't wash away the guilt, not of that i ruined lives but that i wasn't strong enough to protect the memories that i never wanted to fade.I know i will move on.I always do.But sadly i will never be able to besmear this blind spot in my brain..
And the worst part is i don't want the things to go back to normal.I m not going to commit the same mistake again.'cause mistake aren't committed twice.The second time its a choice.I want to crash and burn.I want to let go.I want to be out of this world where truth and trust are mere words.Where people forget every good memories they share on the introduction of one bitter one.Where the trust falls in a single blow and all good things you did become your so called master plan to ruin others life.I am not innocent.But there is nothing in this world that i hate more than wrong accusation.It kills you.I wanna die and get reborn again.I wanna be free.I want to sleep and forget.I want to dream again.I know my whining will not get me any where but i wanna break down these wall closing in on me.

I do believe that everything happens for the best.i just wish i could see the best in this.A day from now i will be 21.Its really been so long.I saw love, pain, passion, trust, betrayal, adventure, life, death and much more.God knows what else the future has in store for me.Just returned to where i began."What goes round comes around".."The circle of life"..the epic ironies.I may have laughed at them, if i remembered how..

Back to you

When entertainment turns into a surreal reflection of your life,you would be a lucky man to laugh at it..
The things which were once fit for our laughter, become the ironical part of our life.You can't runaway from it..'cause you are the one who dug up this pit to eventually fall into it.There are somethings in this world that we cannot understand.Things we never wanted to choose..how we feel.But it was never for us to decide.
Sometimes, the world becomes too small for comfort.The wait for a 'happy ending' lingers all the way.It feels like there are no choices in this world.Nothing but a straight line.Illusion comes afterwards when we look back upon ourselves, and ask 'why me' or 'what if'..Its like looking back on a forked lightening tracing back our own steps to nothingness.Different choices would not have made much of a difference.We would standing at the same place, just asking a different set of questions..
I read somewhere, that if you wanna serve in heaven, then just do good to its very extreme..and if you wanna reign in hell then just fall to the deepest and the darkest pits of sin.The two doors are less than a hand's reach to man for all there life.But still we spend most of our life standing at the crossroads of stairway to heaven and highway to hell immersed in the hangover of our own feelings.
People say 'love and be loved'..is that it? the truth..Live for it, kill for it, even die for it..Is this our salvation?
And what if its just a dream from which you will wake up someday and you will find no rescue waiting for you.What if you come back to reality and don't find your love there.What if your loneliness suddenly turns into a nothingness.And you keep on wondering what  the hell did just happen?
They'll say that life has its complications.Its never easy.But are we really ready and willing to take that risk?Yes...we always are.There something in this that makes us stay.Some memories.Not necessarily all good.But all worth having.We willingly step into it but then it becomes out of the power of our free will.Its always a dilemma when being in it.Will I able to trace my steps back to you? Has it strength enough to guide me back home?..Logically everything should fall into its place if we give it sometime..Logic is such a liar..But the hope to our happiness will keep us going on...and you will make me stay!!

All good things

"What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I've made the most important discovery of my life. It's only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found."-The beautiful mind


I remember watching this movie in 2001 or maybe 02.Its funny that years have passed, and suddenly now i get to understand this quote by John Nash.Its not that i lacked the brains then but they say that we can believe in something only when we experience it.The hardest patch of time in one's life is when he fails to understand the difference between reality and imagination.Whenever he starts to believe in one thing the world always takes a turn for surreal.Smothered by the circumstances he starts to doubt the very existence of the most powerful emotion in this world : Love.


Am i not supposed to fall in love? Am i someone who can't know how it feels? Am i someone who can't be trusted with love? Am i not supposed to laugh or cry for the one i love? Suddenly all these questions become mere empty words! Just a mist of my imagination.Do you wanna know whats real?...The way i feel when i hold your hand, thats real, the way i feel when i see the smile on your face, thats real, the way i feel when i hear the sound of your laughter, thats real, the way i feel when i hear you saying 'i love u', thats real.Its real for me..'cause i believe in it.You give me hope.You make me realize that i was just being stupid when i was thinking of those questions.Your touch pushes me to the farthest heights of happiness.You make me experience the immense power of love which makes us the rulers of this world.You make me believe that we are the only ones who have and who could have ever experienced a feeling like this.You make me realize that good things can happen to me too.And you are the reasons for all good things.Your smile is the reason for my happiness.You touch is the reason for my faith.The moments i spend with you are the reason for me to believe that i am the happiest and the luckiest person on the planet.I just want you to understand that you are the reason i am...you are all my reasons!!!!!!

Perfect memory

I was in school.It was 8th of may.We had a celebration of mother's day in our school.I insisted my mom not to come saying that no one really bothers to come.Actually the real reason behind it was that i got scared that my mom would hear about my not-so-famous tales in the school by my teachers.I attended the celebration.It was surprisingly awesome.I wished my mom could see it.I felt real guilt about not inviting her due to my stupid fear.I went home.Hours passed but i just could not get over that guilt.Finally, when i couldn't take it any more ,i stepped out of home and went to buy something for my mom.I bought her a gift.And when i got back home, and saw that she was alone in her room, i mustered the courage to go to her and give her that gift.I was not that smart to choose an appropriate gift for her, well i was not that financially strong either.Come on..i was in school, you can't expect me to buy a gold necklace or platinum ring!Whatever,she just unwrapped the gift.It was a doll.How much more stupid a gift can there be! But to my utter amazement she loved it! i am not saying it because she told me so, but i m sure of it 'cause i could see it in her eyes.Obviously, she didn't expect anything like that from me.She was delighted.She showed it to everyone else around.Came back and hugged me.Years have passed.Memories have burred.But i just can't forget that day, that glow on her face, that delight, that moment worth lasting.

We are very lucky to be born in this world where we can make perfect memories like these without any limit.It is said that the most memorable moments in our life are when we feel some thing we never felt before.We do things we never did before.We meet people with a different point of view..people who change your perspective of things, who drive you out of the wreckage where you have given in, who show you that whatever battles are raging inside us there is always a choice, who show you that there is hope.You asked me what you do to me?..You give me memories.These moment where you wish that time could just freeze.Memories made up of your smile, your happiness.I wish you could just understand the feelings of the bumps in my heart when i listen to the sound of your laughter.I wish you could feel the gravity of every moment that i spend with you.I wish you could see the most beautiful face on earth when accompanied with a smile like i do.I wish you could just trade places with me and experience that heavenly feeling being with someone like you..What you do to me? You give me the assurance that even though if the world slips through my fingers, even if the sun seems tired, even if i have a big fall and the earth doesn't make a sound..you will be there.That is the best thing you could have ever given to me.I will be ever grateful for these treasured memories.Thank you for making my world better than its ever been.Somethings never change.I am so glad they don't.That is why its very important that you understand that i will be there tomorrow,the next day and the day after, you just have to say 'stay'...