Walking into Obscurity

I thought it would be adventurous to just stroll my way through the foggy path.I never realized that its fuzziness will increase exceptionally..I try to look back but all i could see is blind haze..Suddenly, I am blank..I can't think of what i was expecting..what did i really want...I am supposed to walk this boulevard alone.I can't give up..I can't loose my mind..i can't fall behind in this "human race"..I don't know whats waiting for me at the end..i don't know if there is an end..but the worst thing is i don't even know if it is the path i was supposed to walk? Is this what i really wanted? Is this what i always wished for? and then again is it too late for a self-realization? Do i not deserve to walk away? Are there no happy endings?
Clueless i call for help..I hope that someone might call my name..maybe wave..a face i know..anyone..  But i guess it is too much to expect. Maybe my voice is too faint to be heard.. maybe this obscurity is so dense that my call could not penetrate through...or maybe there is no one at the end who is gonna listen to me..
There is a stillness in the air..as if the world is urging me to make a choice.I can head back hoping to start it all over again..or i can cling on faith and just finish what i started...

Its a strange feeling when we realize we were always supposed to walk this path alone..We sure meet people, be with them, laugh with them, love them and but eventually we let them go..There comes a point in life when we just call all our shots but somehow we can't find our self in the right place.



I don't believe that any angels are watching over us, guiding us on our righteous path. I know
that my feelings are insignificant and vague in this big world .It doesn't matter if anyone understands me or the endless screams and untold wishes remain hidden under this numbness. I am not looking for some divine miracle to set things right for me.I don't need a hero i just want someone..anyone..who , for once,will come to me and assure me that it is gonna be alright.

The last goodbye..

Stay and wait..or pack and leave..Its time now.Time for the last hugs, time for our eyes to witness the last fading sun in this place..I know its nothing new.Happens all the time..but its like leaving home all over again.
Its a strange feeling when you see a face..and you are almost sure that you are not gonna see that face ever again. We sure did have our time..but its never enough..it never will be.The echoes of our laughter, maddening screams will always be buried in this walls. Learnt a million things in this term..some things worth remembering and others worth dying for.

Things are surely never gonna be same again..You are going to step outside a world to walk into another.While returning home you will realize that there is nothing different  about it..the only thing changed is you..You realize that there is something more than just me and you.This is the time when most of us take refuge under hope. I too hope to see their faces again. I hope someday somewhere we will meet again, plan again, laugh again, fight again. I hope that goodbyes are not forever.This hope goes to live on forever with the memories.

Although we loose a lot leaving this place but there a last moment...one little moment.. we say our last goodbye to friends..remembering their faces as they are..as we drive on into the night. Many things are gonna cease from now on, but no one can take away that moment from us..and in this moment we can hope maybe there's never gonna be a last one after all !..

A little too much

An overnight transition from nothingness to everything has become quite normal these days.For one moment you are crawling through the day waiting for it to end somehow. And in the next, you live a lifetime!..Its funny how you see yourself change with the wind and just do nothing about it.
Sometimes we cover our faces with this thick mask of insensitivity for so long, that we forget the presence of any emotions behind it. Its heartbreaking when you find that the thing you believed in for so long was not really worth it.Our faith gets such a big blow from time to time.The real problem is we just cant stop seeking some  vindication, some supernatural explanation to the happenings we encounter.From here our journey can be bifurcated in two possibilities.Either we linger with our minor hope and wait for it to diminish into nothing.Or we can get lucky and experience something so powerful, so remarkably ecstatic that will fuel back our faith to its peak and ,though only for the briefest of moments, we are not confused!
After all these years i have learnt one thing.. whatever happens to us, wherever we go, whatever we do..at most points of our life, we will be alone..Sure looks like a depressing lesson but on the contrary these are the most important times of our life.They define us, change us, make us choose.These are the times when we give up seeking companionship.These are the times we seek redemption. Solitude is the worst 'gift' given to us.It is definitely not a  hiding place for introverts.Its a place where we can think, cry, scream, sing, dance or do whatever we wanna do.When its just a little too much out there, we can remove our worldly mask..and in that moment of our life..we can be free.

Up close and personal

Have you ever come through a feeling when you could feel the elation in the world around you, you can smell the fragrance of the wind blowing your way..have you ever felt it..the so called inner peace! Well thats a big no for me.Why cant everything just fall into its place for just this once.Why when everything 's going alright, all i could think is to crash and burn.
Sometimes i get the feeling maybe it is because of some guilt ,some unfinished business.But i still cant think of what it is n where it is.This feeling of insecurity for no reason is a killer.The feeling when somebody just looks at you with an awkward looking face, you wish you could put a bullet hole in his head.Or else you could bludgeon  him to death.And while everyone will stand there n watch,scared.You will laugh with scorn.No feeling of remorse..or any other humanly feeling..Anger ,pain, betrayal, hatred..these are the only real emotions to be felt.
How i have come to this..what have i become..why cant i return to be the carefree guy i once used to be.Where is that damned inner peace.Why do i feel just lyk killing half the world.Some say 'violence is never the answer'..then what is it..I have tried love..and i don't believe it worked.I ceased to believe in it.I don't remember when i last came across a feeling that din't involve hurting others.I have become selfish.I really don't care for anyone.
I feel like i have lost my integrity..the very last inch of it.I just need to feel something..anything..that is real enough to pull me through all this.I don't have the slightest idea what it is but i believe i really need it.I don't see this happening anytime soon.But i just can't give up hope of it..'cause hope is all i really have now..It was always all i really had..

Invisible truth

If someone asks us to define 'darkness'. .we sure have heard of it.Most of us will simply say darkness is the 'absence of light'.We can't measure it or define it independently but we all know it exists.Same goes for 'cold' that is absence of heat.The point is that there are many things in life that exist because we believe they exist.It can be said that a person who is delusional enough to live in his own world of dreams and believes it to be true is as sane as any other practical person in this world.

There are many allegations in our lives,the invisible truths, that exist 'cause we believe in them.Truth that can't be explained.Why we are refreshed by the fragrance of a flower.Why do we love to live in beautiful colors.Why a laughing baby puts a smile on our face too.Why sometimes some other persons's happiness gives us the tears of joy.Why the rain sometimes urges us to dance and sometimes the same rains makes us sad.Why the rage running all over our body is calmed down by the mere glimpse of gentle eyes.Why we get a strange feeling when we are with someone and the feeling fades when that someone is gone.Why we believe in god and his plans for us.Why we hope for a miracle even when all odds are against it.These beautiful truths have been and always will be a part of our lives.Well actually these truths are the times we really lived!

Some times these truths fade.We become,what we call, more mechanical.Anything may cause that..loss,betrayal,loneliness,heartbreak..these emotions are large enough to force a person to stop believing and step into the dark.But as we know the darkness doesn't exist! We heard a lot that time can heal all wounds.Maybe it does.But it doesn't wash away the scars.Sometimes we need more than just the truth.Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith.And the funny thing about faith is that you cannot explain it.You just have it! So throw the odds out the window..What you believe is true!!

Last regrets

Imagine sitting under a tree, surrounded by endless grasslands.You would stare at nothingness for hours.'cause nobody is there with you.You will be waiting for someone to appear..anyone..But you will give up the wait at some point of time.And there will always remain a regret, maybe you needed to wait for some more time..maybe you would have seen someone appearing at the horizon..a familiar face..a face you were longing for.That someone may wave at you..or maybe call your name..or run towards you...or that someone may just vanish in the winds.

Maybe you didn't get enough time.The time you deserved.To be with someone, to feel alive, to take chances, to make mistakes.You can regret forever for that or you can choose to be thankful for whatever time you got.Maybe you didn't get what you hoped for and you start to live your life in denial.You get hypochondriac..darkness-loving..creepy kind of person.You start spending most of your time in introspection and become a people-hater.

You gotta keep walking though..'cause you belong to the human "race" and you really can't afford losing it.All the time we keep longing for a connection..a moment when time slows down a bit and you begin to feel alive again.You wait for a person who tends to understand you more than you do yourself.You wait for being connected.

There might be a lot of things you wish you never did.Its ok.Its perfectly normal to make mistakes.But you need to understand that you and only you make it all right before its too late.You can change things.Make different choices..redeem yourself.'cause if its too late then you wont be able to let go of this regret all your life.Who knows maybe today is the last day ( I sure hope its not) to say "I am sorry" to someone..the last day to say "i forgive you"..the last day to say "I miss you"..the last day to say "I love you"...maybe after today one of you or the connection between you may cease to exist..and you may forever be left with the last regrets and late goodbyes...

Life and the death of memories..

There is a time in life when we wish to become a distant star in the sky that can just watch people laugh, have fun,live their life...and we could just find the divine content in their happiness.Without even letting our existence known to them.Today i understand how it is the worst experience one can ever imagine.People close to me say it was none of my mistake.Even i try to convince myself it wasn't.That means i am supposed to be angry, or rather furious to those who made my life hell.But i want to confess something.Yes, i was mad like a mad dog at the way things went.I cursed the fate.And the people reminding me about it.But in the end, all i am is upset.Because in all this i lost something.My memories.And that is the most precious belonging of human being.I am watching my memories burn in to hell fire.And i am standing so close to the fire that it hurts me strikingly.

The saddest truth of life is that we get to decide what memories to build upon, but we don't have a say in which of them will stay clean and worth remembering.I know i don't have a clean slate.Confession doesn't wash away the guilt, not of that i ruined lives but that i wasn't strong enough to protect the memories that i never wanted to fade.I know i will move on.I always do.But sadly i will never be able to besmear this blind spot in my brain..
And the worst part is i don't want the things to go back to normal.I m not going to commit the same mistake again.'cause mistake aren't committed twice.The second time its a choice.I want to crash and burn.I want to let go.I want to be out of this world where truth and trust are mere words.Where people forget every good memories they share on the introduction of one bitter one.Where the trust falls in a single blow and all good things you did become your so called master plan to ruin others life.I am not innocent.But there is nothing in this world that i hate more than wrong accusation.It kills you.I wanna die and get reborn again.I wanna be free.I want to sleep and forget.I want to dream again.I know my whining will not get me any where but i wanna break down these wall closing in on me.

I do believe that everything happens for the best.i just wish i could see the best in this.A day from now i will be 21.Its really been so long.I saw love, pain, passion, trust, betrayal, adventure, life, death and much more.God knows what else the future has in store for me.Just returned to where i began."What goes round comes around".."The circle of life"..the epic ironies.I may have laughed at them, if i remembered how..